Some days, I wake up absolutely bursting with creativity. These are the days that I write a to-do list, get excited about the day and look forward to everything that can be accomplished. Usually around 2pm, I feel a creativity-crash. Over the last 22 months, this crash has had to do with a lot of things, the realization that some things I just can’t do here in Morocco, that in order to do some things- it requires going outside, and mostly that although I should treasure the days I can read for endless hours… at this point, I have had enough of those kind of days.
At the beginning, I was so excited to keep this blog. I wanted it to be rich with stories about people, culture, and descriptions of places! I wanted it to be an intimate way to record our memories for family and friends, but mostly for myself. However, as time went on, I didn’t find myself wanting to share the things that happened, mostly I found myself counting the days/months/minutes until we would safely be back on US soil. As we prepare, somewhat, for our return- interviews, job applications, etc… I find myself in a very obscure place. Yes, there will definitely be things that I miss about Morocco. Yes, I am very excited about the idea of going home. But the in between things… those are the things that I am frustrated with- the thought that I may have become a more negative person, really bothers me. The knowing that I have changed, but not being able to identify how… and if it is good or bad. The ambiguity of where my work ethic is and if it will ever be the same? My laziness has taken on a new shape and it cuddles with me 95% of the time. I am not comfortable with how acquainted I have become with my laziness, I would like some space but so far it has not moved an inch. It makes me impatient, frustrated and discouraged, to have such an experience with inactivity. During the phone interviews that I have had this week, I can see a glimpse of the aspects that I love about myself…. direct communication, enthusiasm, prompt response to structure, organization and positivity. Most of those characteristics, I am sad to say, are aspects I don’t see of myself every day here.
One of the biggest realizations that I have had most recently is the concept that I am not sure how to bring back those characteristics I appreciate in this environment. It is such a short time until we return, but now that I have become conscious of everything, will the day-to-day be tolerable?
I recently have read some posts written by members of the group that arrived in mid-January. Most of them are so excited and practically bursting off of the screen. This is wonderful to see and it does remind me that being able to experience something like Peace Corps is a privilege. The recipes I have made, the knitting I have learned, the books I have read, the shows and movies I have watched, the language I have absorbed, the places I have seen, the people whom I have met, the time that Tyler and I have had together– all of that is irreplaceable and unique and special. I will treasure all of those memories forever and they will keep me in a place far from regret, but does all of that mean as much if a person feels lost during all of it?